


The 30 Year Old Virgin

by jezebel



Category: Queer as Folk (UK)
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-26
Updated: 2010-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:51:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jezebel/pseuds/jezebel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vince has been keeping a secret from everyone but Hazel thinks it's about time the cat was let out of the bag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 30 Year Old Virgin

**Author's Note:**

> Written for: 2007 Fuh Q Fest   
> This lies somewhere after the party, after Cameron, but before the wedding and breaks off from there. This could be considered AU due to the premise but I've tried to stick to Stuart and Vince with only a few minor changes. Some of the words are lifted from the S1 and S2 scripts.

Hazel prided herself on the fact that she knew her son, but even she was surprised when she heard the rumour, the rumour that her son had never had the completely full fuck. It had to be a rumour, just like the wild rumours (which she personally could debunk) that Stuart was a hermaphrodite nymphomaniac, but when she started to ask around it turned out that no-one she knew had ever been with her son.

Of course Hazel kept her investigations quiet. She didn't want Vince finding out that she was nosing into his private life but she was surprised to find out that while her son had a reputation as a champion cocksucker there was no-one who had ever experienced a shag with her son. Apparently it was thought that he only spread his legs for Stuart Alan Jones, in fact it was part of the myth of the scene stalwarts Stuart and Vince that they had the longest running open relationship on Canal Street, unfortunately Hazel knew that one was not true because her son had spent sixteen years pining after Stuart and it appeared that pining held more of a secret than she had ever realised before.

Hazel was never one to pussy foot around a subject so when she started to comprehend what her son was going through she invited him for tea and asked him straight out if it were true.

"Vince, it's nothing to be embarrassed about." Hazel said. "But there is a rumour going around that you're...well...a virgin."

Vince winced at the mention of the word, he hated it, he hated the way that people used it so pejoratively as if it were a dirty word.

"So?"

"I just wanted to say, if you want to talk about it..." Hazel said.

"What is there to talk about?" Vince asked in his usual self-doubting tone. "Little Vince Tyler in his small and tiny world, watching cheap science fiction and waiting for the shag that'll never happen!"

"Those are Stuart's words, not yours." Hazel argued.

"But they're true. Every one of them is true, and if he knew..." Vince trailed off as a look crossed his face.

"Don't worry." Hazel said. "I doubt that Stuart would notice an atom bomb going off unless it got in the way of his next conquest and even then he'd probably just work around it. He's a clever little bastard but he can be awfully dense sometimes."

"It's not his fault, Mum." Vince said, defending his friend as always. "I just never..."

"Never met the right one?" Hazel asked.

Vince nodded, looking down at his feet as if he was ashamed.

"There's no shame in that, sweetheart." Hazel said, showing her son that she understood. "Better to wait than lose it in the middle of Piccadilly Gardens."

Vince looked up through his lashes, fighting the smile that played on his lips, he knew his Mum was trying to make him smile and it was working.

"There was a war on." Vince said, trying to keep a straight face. "You couldn't be choosy."

"Only thing about that night I don't regret is that it brought me you." Hazel said, fully meaning every word and making Vince blush. "Don't you worry, love, no one else will find this out from me. Your secrets are your own."

"Thanks, Mum." Vince said.

Hazel nodded, hugging her son and praying that he would forgive her for breaking the promise she had just made.

***

***

"Mr. Jones?" The receptionist asked. "There is a Ms. Tyler here to see you."

"Well send her through then." Stuart said impatiently, thinking he had ended the connection he added, "Fucking temps."

The girl, still on the other end, told Hazel that she could go through and started to cry.

Stuart was still swearing about the useless office staff when Hazel waltzed into his office two minutes later.

Hazel took a seat, Stuart waited for her to get settled and then spoke.

"What can I do for you, Hazel?" Stuart asked, carefully placing his pen down on the desk and then bridging his fingers and giving her his full attention. Hazel rarely came to his office which must mean that this was an important conversation and he had known her long enough to know that it was better to let her get the rant over with before she got too frustrated, otherwise she would only end up tracking him down while he was working on getting a shag.

"I shouldn't be here." Hazel said as she shifted in her seat as if she was about to get up again. Stuart waited, knowing that she was going to say something, if she wasn't meant to be there she wouldn't be. "If he knew I was here he'd kill me."

So it was about Vince, Stuart thought to himself, he should have known that was the only reason that Hazel would come to his office.

"Have you heard what they're saying?" Hazel asked finally.

Stuart shrugged.

"People say a lot of things."

"They're saying he won't put out." Hazel said. "Not that he doesn't take men home, for a suck or a quick hand job, sometimes he'll even fuck them but he never lets them fuck him."

"Sensible." Stuart replied. "There are some complete psycho bastards out there."

"Well, you'd know." Hazel replied sarcastically.

"I never listen to that bollocks." Stuart replied after Hazel stayed silent for a moment.

"Thing is, if you ask around, if you ask the right people you realise that there is some truth to it." Hazel replied. "They say he's never done it, or at least not with anyone they know, and I know that people talk on that street. There's a few that think he only does it for you, but I know better."

Stuart shrugged again, not sure what she wanted him to say.

"And you know what he says?" She continued. "Says he never met the right person."

"Always knew he was straight." Stuart replied. Hazel ignored him and continued.

"Which is bollocks. Never met the right person. That's complete bollocks." Hazel said fervently. "But then you knew that. I look at you, 14 years old, hormones all   
over the place, you would've shagged a letter box, but not him?"

"No." Stuart replied. He never had. To be honest it had never really seemed like a good idea.

"Did you never want Vince?"

Stuart shrugged for a third time, wishing there was an easier way to say that he wasn't sure. The truth was he hadn't thought that Hazel would ever ask him about this, his relationship with Vince wasn't anything you could explain it just was, it was like breathing, something that you did, that you had always done, but that you never really talked about.

"You've got to fancy him to fuck him. Never mind love, love can fuck off. If you fancy him, there's blood, there's a hard on, if just love him..." Stuart trailed off, hoping that was enough, but Hazel wasn't about to let it lie.

"Are you saying you couldn't get it up for him?" Hazel asked taken aback that he would suggest that. "Manchester's champion shagger couldn't get it up for him? Couldn't you at least pretend?"

Stuart moved his hands, picking up his pen again for something to do and not wanting to meet the woman's face as she glared at him so intently. Stuart should have known this was coming, the conversation that had been brewing for the last sixteen years, he should have practised for it but he had never really thought what he would say.

"Vince deserves more than that."

"Like he cares." Hazel replied. "Poor sod. He's never going to give up while he still thinks there is a chance, but then he'd have to see himself as important to give up and he'll never do that. "

"I tried, Hazel. I wanted him to move on."

"You knew Cameron wouldn't last, just like none of the others before him did, not while you're still around."

"What do you want me to do?" Stuart asked. "Leave him? I tried that, remember."

"Fell apart in under a week." Hazel replied.

"I told him, told him to run like the wind from me, but he never listens."

"Then maybe it's time to stop running."

"What do you mean?"

"I heard about the threesome you tried."

"He left before we even got past the snogging." Stuart said. "Shame too, that was one magnificent shag."

"Maybe you need to try again." Hazel ventured.

"Could do." Stuart replied, keeping his eyes on the pen, not wanting to meet her eyes. The truth was he had been thinking about it a lot lately, thinking about it a lot more since Vince turned thirty and his failed attempt to let Vince go.

"A word of advice this time, Stuart." Hazel said. "Cut out the middle man."

And with that she was up and leaving.

Stuart didn't look up until the door had closed and she was gone. He knew that she was right. Vince needed him, maybe he deserved better but Vince wasn't about to take anyone else, and it wasn't fair on either of them to let this go on any longer. The only question that remained in his mind was how on earth Stuart managed to convince Vince that it was time.

***

***

Stuart had never put this much thought into getting a shag before, especially not a shag that he knew was a sure thing, but he supposed that Vince at least deserved some consideration.

Stuart had thought about a big romantic gesture, about sending flowers or expensive gifts, but that was not something Vince would be comfortable with. Stuart had thought about just inviting his friend back to his one night while they were out clubbing but he didn't want Vince to think this was just a one night stand or a drunken fling. Stuart had to make sure that Vince knew he was wanted, that he was special.

Stuart had decided that his flat was the place to do it because he could control things better there and he had all that he needed for the seduction, now all he needed was to get Vince there and it had to be a better excuse than just picking up CDs.

A wicked thought crossed Stuart's mind and he started to formulate a plan. There was one sure fire way to get Vince to his flat and ensure his friend would come and that was for him to ask for a favour. If it was something for Vince his friend would question it but he would do anything for Stuart and Stuart was planning to use that to his advantage. This way they would all win.

***

Two days later Vince was coming off a ten hour shift from hell when his mobile phone rang. Looking at the caller ID Vince sighed and then hit the green button to answer it.

"Hello?" He asked, although he knew it was Stuart calling.

"Vince, thank god." Stuart said, trying to sound a little panicked. "Complete emergency, I've got a meeting at the office in half an hour and I've left the file at home. Can you swing by my flat and drop it off, I know you've got the jeep at work and I need it..."

Vince sighed again, he had been hoping for a quiet night in with a curry since Stuart had told him the previous night that he would be working late, he should have known that things never went according to plan.

"Don't worry." Vince said, feeling his quiet night in slip away from him, "I'll stop by your place and pick up the files and drop them off with Sandra."

"They're in my office at home, next to the computer." Stuart said. "Marked with today's date."

"Okay."

"And Vince." Stuart said.

"Yes," Vince said, wondering if he would get a rare thank you.

"Hurry up." Stuart said before hanging up the phone.

Vince shook his head at his own stupidity, expecting anything like a thank you from Stuart, and then headed to the jeep. The least he could do was make sure that he dropped the files off quickly and then maybe he would still have time for a curry and a few episodes of the doctor before he fell asleep.

***

Stuart knew that he had a matter of minutes when he got off the phone with Vince and made a few last minute checks that he had everything right and in it's place before he turned out the lights and waited. Sure enough a few minutes later he heard the familiar sound of a key turning in the door and then light from the hall was spilling into the otherwise darkened room.

"Great." Vince said as he squinted in the dark. "He's left bloody candles burning and..."

Vince stilled as he felt a warm breath on his neck and heard the click of the door behind him.

"It's okay." Stuart said as he heard Vince's breath quicken. "It's me."

"Oh, hiya...did you forget something else or..." Vince tried not to sound too panicked but felt himself stiffen when Stuart wrapped an arm around his waist and the hot breath against his neck became the solid press of lips.

"I haven't forgotten anything, Vince." Stuart said. "In fact, I'm just remembering some things now that are making me feel quite hot."

"Oh." Vince replied.

"I remember the taste of your lips on mine," Stuart said as he spoke against the nape of Vince's neck, each word sounding like a caress. "I remember your hand in mine." Stuart added as he reached for Vince's lax hand and squeezed it in his own. "I remember the feel of you under my hand as we looked at that picture of Barry Sheene." Stuart's hand travelled down now, whispering across the front of Vince's work trousers before settling on his hip.

"Stuart..." Vince begged breathily as he tried to fight against the arm that was still holding him firmly.

"You don't need to beg, Vince, I'll let you go, but first I want you to tell me what you want."

Vince took a deep breath, trying to find the words to tell Stuart what he wanted, and then reality struck him and he remembered what he was here for and that this was not just another of his fantasies.

"She told you." Vince said, renewing his efforts to fight as he realised that this was just another of Stuart's sick jokes. Vince couldn't believe that his mother would break her word but worse still was the fact that she had shared his secret with the one person that Vince never wanted to know.

"It's okay, Vince." Stuart said. "She didn't tell me anything I didn't already suspect."

"Oh yeah, all these years laughing behind my back at poor, pathetic little Vince." Vince replied shakily. "Well, the last thing I need is some pity fuck."

"It's not a pity fuck." Stuart said, rubbing against Vince in a patented feline manoeuvre. "It's far from a pity fuck."

"So what, after sixteen years you finally decide you want to fuck?" Vince asked sarcastically.

"No, Vince, after sixteen years I think it's about time to let you have what you want." Stuart said. "All I need is for you to tell me what that is."

"I want you to let go." Vince said, more firmly this time as he battled harder against Stuart's restraining arm at his waist. Stuart let him go as requested but didn't step away from the door and blocked Vince's attempts to escape.

"Just let me go." Vince said, losing some of the ferocity in his tone as he realised that Stuart had not finished tormenting him yet.

"I don't want you to go." Stuart said softly, fuelling the fires of Vince's humiliation by sounding as if he meant it. "I don't want you to walk away from this again, Vince, I want you to admit that you want this."

"You know I do." Vince said, his voice soft as he finally gave in. He couldn't look up, didn't want to see the look of pity in Stuart's face, and was surprised when a manicured hand took a grip of his chin and forced him to look up. Vince was surprised to see not pity but love shining back at him from those familiar hazel eyes.

"I want this too." Stuart said, his eyes showing nothing but sincerity as he spoke the words. He pulled Vince forward, kissing him firmly as if to seal some deal that Vince had not even realised he was making.

Vince gave in, allowing his arms to wrap around his friend, and sagged against Stuart as all the fight left him and he clutched at his friend's silk robe for dear life.

"Hush, Vince, it will be okay." Stuart said. "I'll look after you."

And something in Stuart's tone told Vince to believe him and that everything really would be alright.

***

***

"I can hear you thinking." Stuart said as he slowly started to unbutton Vince's shirt. The frown on Vince's face deepened and he tried to step away from Stuart but his friend grabbed his wrists. "No, you don't." Stuart said. "I told you that I wasn't letting you walk away from this and I meant it."

"I just don't want to fuck this up." Vince replied.

"You won't." Stuart responded, and the surety in his voice made Vince realise that maybe his friend was right. Maybe he wouldn't fuck this up after all.

Vince buried his hands in Stuart's hair and pulled him in for a deeper kiss and Stuart felt his hands going around Vince's waist, one sliding up to cup Vince's head at the base of his skull.

They stayed like that for a while, kissing deeply and exploring each other's mouths. Stuart heard himself groan as his cock grew harder, he could feel Vince's matching erection straining against the cloth of the ugly suit trousers that his friend wore and knew that they needed to do something to relieve that tension. Just the thought of that made him ache.

"Mmm…" Stuart said as he pulled away from Vince, just enough so that he could speak. "We should take this somewhere a little more comfortable."

Vince nodded, his usually uniform spike's were all over the place and his kiss bruised lips made Stuart think that his friend had never been sexier.

"Bedroom?" Vince asked.

Stuart knew that Vince knew where the bedroom was but he took it as a suggestion and took Vince's hand linking their fingers as he usually did and allowing Vince the comfort of the familiar gesture.

When they got to the bedroom Vince stumbled to the bed, he paused, not sure what to do but then took a deep breath and continued to unbutton the rest of his shirt, sliding off his tie and then sitting back on the bed.

Stuart licked his lips and then began to slip off his own clothes, feeling Vince's eyes on him as he did so and making a bit of a show of it for that reason. He toyed with his bulge a little, rubbing it through his pants before sliding down the zipper and taking off his trousers and underwear in one pull, then he moved up the bed and lay over Vince, resuming the kissing from earlier.

Stuart allowed Vince to again bury his hands in his curls, usually he hated people to mess with his hair but for Vince it was almost a fetish and Stuart was only too happy to indulge him. While they kissed Stuart let his hands reach down to cup Vince through his trousers before working the belt open and sliding them down before finally moving back slightly to let Vince kick off his clothes and shoes.

Stuart then lay back down across Vince, and his friend groaned at the contact as Stuart lay out over him and their cocks rubbed together, causing shots of pleasure to run through his whole groin. Vince began to rub against Stuart, arching up into his friend's body in order to increase their contact, wanting to feel as much of Stuart as he could. Stuart enjoyed the feeling of the moment too but he wanted so much more.

"Vince, calm down..." He said, sensing the tenseness of his friend as he got a little over-excited. "We have all night."

"I want this so much..." Vince said, his voice deeper than usually and obviously laced with desire, the words went straight to the pleasure centre of Stuart's brain and he almost forgot what he was supposed to be doing but he wouldn't forget something that important.

"I want to fuck you." Stuart said.

Vince's eyes widened with excitement as he realised that this was really going to happen, after all his years of wanting and waiting, this was really going to happen.

Stuart reached over to one side of the bed and into one of the bedside cabinets. He pulled out what he wanted and handed them to Vince. Vince wondered for a moment what Stuart was doing but then his friend took a condom and slid it down his own cock.

"Have you done anything before?" Stuart asked as he warmed a little of the lube with his fingers and ran a finger around Vince's puckered opening.

Vince's blush deepened.

"'I've used my fingers." Vince said softly, embarrassed that he didn't have a regular sex life other than that which he shared with his right hand. Stuart smiled and leaned over placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

Stuart moved him a little, placing a pillow under Vince's hips for better leverage and for Vince's comfort and then moved his fingers to Vince. He lubed them carefully, first slipping one in and then when he met little resistance increasing his pressure with two.

Stuart's skilled fingers soon found his prostate and Vince felt the shock of pleasure move through him for the first time as Stuart rubbed against his sensitive gland.

"Want you. Now." Vince panted as he fought off the urge to come, he knew that he was not likely to come at the same time as Stuart but he at least wanted to come while the other man was in him. They had come too far now for him to ruin it all prematurely.

Stuart seemed to sense his need because soon the two fingers were gone, leaving Vince feeling bereft, but only for a brief moment before he felt the blunt head of Stuart's cock. Stuart pushed in slowly, he let Vince feel him and allowed him to get used to it before he moved further. Stuart's cock felt bigger than the two fingers, it felt large inside Vince but he didn't mind, it felt good and he could see Stuart looking down at him, his face a picture of lust and love and finally he understood why Nathan had described it as like looking up into the face of God.

"Are you okay?" Stuart asked, his tone so caring and considerate that it barely sounded like the Stuart that Vince knew.

Vince nodded, not trusting his voice at that moment because he was on the verge of telling Stuart how much he loved him and the last thing he wanted was for Stuart to pull away when they were both so close.

Stuart took the nod as a sign that Vince was okay, and hesitated only a moment before he started to move. With each inward thrust Vince felt himself getting closer to the edge and when Stuart nudged his prostate Vince was gone. His balls tightened and then he sprayed his juices between them, Stuart smiled down at him, feeling the tremors of passion through the quivering of Vince's ass. It was an exquisite feeling, almost as if Vince was massaging his cock with his ass and this drew Stuart closer to the edge, with one last thrust he too spent himself and then collapsed onto Vince's chest with exhaustion.

Stuart pulled out of Vince a moment later and rolled over onto his back. Stuart carefully removed the condom and threw it to the floor before collapsing on the bed again. The sweat of exertion was slowly cooling on Stuart's skin and after a moment of watching Vince rolled over to look at his friend. He couldn't quite meet Stuart's eye but he rested one hand hesitantly on Stuart's bicep.

"Stuart?" He asked hesitantly. Stuart looked over at his friend and Vince was surprised to see unshed tears there. "Was it alright?" Vince asked, his insecurity showing in his tone.

Stuart looked at him a moment before pulling Vince on top of him and kissing him, apparently not caring that Vince was covered in spunk and was now covering Stuart with it too.

"You were perfect." Stuart said.

"Then, why..." Vince paused as he realised that Stuart didn't like people to notice if he was upset or angry. Vince was scared that if he mentioned it that he would ruin the moment and the last thing he wanted was to remember this night not for the magic of what they had shared but for some argument afterwards.

"I just wish we had done this years ago." Stuart said as he placed another kiss on Vince's lips. "Didn't know what I was missing."

"It's okay, Stuart." Vince said. "I don't expect anything from you."

"What?" Stuart asked, confused by what his best friend was saying to him.

"I don't expect anything." Vince replied. "This was great, better than I expected, but I don't expect us to suddenly become boyfriends or something."

Stuart pushed Vince away from him quite harshly and Vince wondered what he had done wrong. Surely Stuart had known that Vince would understand. Vince may have waited for this moment for sixteen years but he wasn't naïve enough to think that it was anything more than a moment, a nice memory for him to retain while they went back to being friends.

"Is that what you think?" Stuart asked. "That this is just a one time fuck?"

"I know you, Stuart. I know that you don't do boyfriends."

"I love you, you bastard." Stuart replied. "This is it for me. I told you this wasn't just some pity fuck and I meant it."

"What are you saying Stuart?" Vince asked, not sure if he could believe the words. Perhaps the shag had been so good he had passed out in the middle and was now dreaming. That had to be it.

"I'm saying this isn't just a one off. I'm ready for this now Vince. I want you, not just for tonight but for forever."

"You don't do boyfriends."

"We won't be boyfriends." Stuart replied.

"Oh."

"We'll be Stuart and Vince." Stuart continued. "We'll be best friends, and lovers and everything else in between."

"You mean it?" Vince asked.

"I know I've been a bastard in the past Vince, but I really mean it. I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't." Stuart said. "You know what?"

"No." Vince replied.

"I wish that you had been my first too." Stuart said.

"One of us needed the experience." Vince replied with a blush that made Stuart lean back on the bed and kiss him again. That was his Vince, always letting him get away with it, always forgiving him. Stuart kissed Vince again and made a silent promise to himself that Vince wouldn't have to forgive him again.

"I guess you will be my first in some ways." Stuart mused as he rested his head on Vince's shoulder. "First love."

"You were mine too." Vince replied. "First and only."

Stuart smiled and placed a sloppy kiss on Vince's chin.

"Fuck," Stuart said after a moment. "We're turning into a pair of lesbians."

"You'd better not." Vince answered as he met Stuart's attempt at another kiss with his own lips. Vince slid his hands down Stuart's sides and caressed across his arse. "I'm looking forward to returning the favour and I don't do women."

"You only want me for my body." Stuart whined, the smile on his face belying his comments.

"And your money." Vince replied before starting to laugh.

"I always thought I would laugh after sex with you." Vince said.

"That's good sex." Stuart replied.

"It was." Vince agreed.

"It always will be."

And Vince hoped that they had many years to prove that to be true.

***

**Author's Note:**

> Challenge (from Alex): Hazel's a rather interfering Mum and has decided it's about time Vince lost his virginity and has chosen Stuart as the man to do it. (Can be completely AU, Stuart and Vince can already be friends or complete strangers).


End file.
